Porchat divorced because she has no plans to have children, but her ex wants: how should couples deal with the situation?

Last week, the comedian Fabio Porchat announced the end of your marriage with film producer Nataly Mega after eight years of relationship. According to him, the reason was the disagreement between the two on the desire to have children. While the actor does not see himself as a father, which he has already expressed in several public statements, Nataly would dream of becoming a mother.

Psychoanalyst Natalia Marques says this kind of situation it’s more common than it seems. This is because, if decades ago many people ended up having children without thinking too much about it, today this type of decision has become increasingly planned, especially among people of the middle-upper classes, who have invested more in self knowledge.

Image consultant Priscila Citera, 42, is an example of such people. She was 30 and married for eight when she realized it she did not want to raise the family, unlike her then husband. “We had already been together for a long time and understood that it was time to have children. I stopped taking the medicine that prevents pregnancy, but every time I had my period he was sad and I felt relieved,” she says.

“That’s when I realized something was wrong and started working on it in therapy. Over time, I realized that this was really not my dream. I only naturalized because society said that after we got married, we should have children,” says Priscila.

Then he decided end the relationship, but chose not to reveal the real reason to her ex. Priscila says that, influenced by society’s dominant sexist thinking that every woman should dream of motherhood, she felt selfish for making that decision.

Priscila Citera, 42, decided not to become a mother after realizing, with the help of a therapist, that it wasn’t a real desire of hers, but a social pressure. Photography: Personal archive/ Priscila Citera

Choice with consequences

For the psychologist Gabriela Luxo, maternity or paternity must be a choice taken not only in pairs but also individually and after much reflection, after all, it has a great impact on people’s lives. In some cases, it can be interesting to seek psychotherapy sessions to get to know each other better.

“The arrival of a baby completely changes the routine. When the person has a child without really wanting to, they will go through a series of emotional problems to deal with the feeling of change and frustration in relation to the things that could be done before, without the child, and then can’t anymore,” she says.

The two experts heard from the report also underline that making this type of decision under the pressure of other people – be they the romantic partner, the family or society in general – creates problems not just for the person who made the decision, but also for the child and for the couple.

“Probably, the person who sincerely does not want to have children will not be able to give the child the affection and attention he would like and may even feel guilty about it,” says Natalia. “This can affect the self-esteem of the child who feels unwanted,” Gabriela points out.

At the same time, according to Natalia, the partner who wanted to have children tends to be frustrated over timebecause his real wish was that the other wanted the child as much as he did – something that is beyond the control of either party.

The tendency is that, even unconsciously, the person who has given in (having a child unintentionally or ceasing to have one to adapt to the other’s desire) blames the partner for having experienced something they would not like. Over time, this breeds resentment and tends to push the couple away.

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Priscila agrees with the experts. “I just dared to tell my ex husband the real reason why I decided to break up after a few months. He also said at the time that if I told the truth, he would have agreed not to have children to be with me, but I said it still wouldn’t work because he would spend his whole life throwing it at me. face,” she says.

“In the end he agreed with me and understood that I was doing the best for both of us,” adds the image consultant. According to her, her ex-partner remarried and had children.

Romantic love vs true love

Even Isabella Silva, a 29-year-old lawyer, ended a romantic relationship for not having the same desire for children as her ex. She says the two knew of this divergence from the beginning of the relationship, but at first he didn’t care because they wanted to “seize the moment”.

“After two years, this desire to be a mother grew in her and one day she came to me telling me that she had started doing research on adoption and that she wanted to file the paperwork now”, Isabella says. “I felt pressured and very anxious when she made the decision without asking me. She knew I didn’t want to be a mother, but she said I would change my mind when I met the baby.

The lawyer says she tried to adapt to the idea of ​​motherhood, but failed and chose to end the relationship. Comrade did not handle the situation well. “She was very hurt and told me I was being selfish,” she says.

According to Natalia, this misconception comes from a common belief in society about romantic love, which preaches that when two people truly love each other, they have to make sacrifices to be together no matter what. However, the psychoanalyst points out that a relationship needs more than love to be healthy and lasting.

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“We are used to linking the end of relationships with betrayal or the end of love. However, it is possible for two people to love each other, but understand that they are at different times in life, that they have very different goals, and that is why they choose to separate,” she says. This kind of separation even prevents people from staying abusive relationshipswhere one must cancel the other.

Isabella says her former partner married another woman who also wanted to have children shortly after the traumatic end. But “the marriage didn’t work out and then she told me that she realized she ended up overwhelming herself by looking in someone else for what I couldn’t give her,” she says.

Professionals also recommend honesty in dialogue with your partner. If the plan to have children is scrapped completely, it’s worth it talk about it openly with your partner at the beginning of the relationshipin order to avoid frustration and allow the other to make their own choices

“The ideal is for people to talk about their life goals from the beginning of the relationship and try to date someone who is aligned with them,” recommends Gabriela.

Even so, Natalia remembers him it’s common for people to change their minds about their life goals over time, as in the case of Priscila. Therefore, it is important that there is respect and a non-judgmental listening channel to understand each other’s phases. “Unfortunately, this is not what we see in offices. Many couples find it difficult to talk openly,” Gabriela says.

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The greater possibility of postponing pregnancy today compared to what existed in the past also weighs on the scenario. This occurs in the face of advances in reproductive techniques and changes in socioeconomic and cultural habits, such as the fact that a number of women seek focus and stabilization in their careers before becoming mothers. As a result, many couples postpone conversations about pregnancy or adopting a child as much as possible.

After the experience, Isabella says she prefers not to be in a relationship with women who want to have children. Priscila, on the other hand, still has relationships with men who plan to become fathers in the future, but she says she chooses to set the record straight and let her choice not be an issue for the person.

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